White People Don’t Deserve 911

I know that’s a shocking title, but I have a right to make these decisions. After all, I’m white. And I’m proud of being white. Anybody who knows me knows about my undeniable Irish heritage, and they’re the whitest of all people. If you combine that with my allergy to the sun, I’m the foremost white amongst the American population.

911 services shouldn’t be allowed to the white population, and that includes fire, police, and ambulances. Especially ambulances, as we’re the most important first responders. If you do respond to a white household, you have a moral obligation to deny that person service or transport. And for the record, I consider white households to be any place that has two or more contains of sunscreen.

Ambulances should go to people who actually need them, not the latest Karen complaining of a minor cough and insisting it’s Ebola because she saw that on last week’s rerun of Grey’s Anatomy. And nobody needs them more than minorities. After all, America has a history of crushing minority populations underfoot and leaving them with increased risk of diseases and less access to healthcare. It’s time for reparations, and it begins with their actual health.

Besides, they need all the help they can get. Minorities are not, statistically, good at making decisions. They tend to be uneducated, operate on outdated beliefs, and are highly superstitious. They can’t be trusted to make decisions for themselves and ought to be treated like a dog being brought to the vet. If that needs an ambulance to accomplish, then so be it.

Meanwhile, white people are extremely capable, intelligent, and diligent. If a white person gets to the point where they need help from an ambulance, then it’s their own fault. Minorities are often victims of their own decisions and should not be judged for their naturally poor reasoning. It’s very likely they’ll have a medical emergency for just this reason.

So, this is a plea to all my medical homies: if you’re in a house and the dog isn’t a pitbull or Chihuahua, then you’re wasting your time. It’s time we remove the bias in the industry and this can only be accomplished one call at a time.